Portal of "Dieu* de Briefcase"

* The French word 'Dieu' means 'God'. Used here solely for the sake of its resemblance to Cantonese.

The Onion

A FREE NEWSPAPER IN UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN - MADISON

 

My Best Favorite: Opinion - Executing SARS Spreaders In China
(it was so damn true!)

 

ARTS/LITERATURE

Funding (1, 2): Congress Accidentally Approved Arts Funding

Well, as an engineering and math major, I cannot encourage people to divert my potential source of money to those freaks who have been playing Shakespeare's shit endlessly for centuries.

Museum: Museum-Appreciation Tip

Why are teachers stuffing shit into kids mind saying museums are fun? Because museums are like classics: people like praising them, but not reading them.

Shakespeare Was, Like, The Ultimate Rapper

 

COMMUNISTS

North Korea (1, 2): North Korea Wondering What It Has To Do To Attract U.S. Military Attention

Yes, the evil gets bored.

North Korea Nuclear Proposal

Opinion - Executing SARS Spreaders In China

 

POLITICAL SCIENCE

People Always Hate Politicians Until They Need One

 

EDUCATION

Toy-Buying Tips For Parents

Teen Mortified After Winning Academic-Achievement Award

 

ETHICS / BRAINWASHING / CHARITY

Tourism in Tsunami's Wake

(Historical ONION) 'Congress Approved Orbiting Homeless Incinerator'

What Do You Think? (Schiavo's Right to Die)

New 'Anti-Abortion Pill' Kills Mother, Leaves Fetus Alive

 

GEOGRAPHY

Thousands Feared Born In Nigerian Population Explosion

Girls Gone Wild Released Back Into Civilization

 

ETHNIC STUDIES / DIVERSITY EDUCATION / GENDER STUDIES

IBM Emancipates 8000 Wage Slaves (1, 2)

Strip Club Makes Commitment To Hire More Minorities (Here)

Can I Use Feminism To My Advantage? (Here)

(Historical ONION) 'I Have a Dream That One Day Little Black Children Will Beat the Living Crap out of Little White Children'

Use Of 'N-Word' May End Porn Star's Career

 

FAMILY

Familybeat (1, 2): Kids Excited. Mom Learning To Swear

Abstinence will retaliate one day.

Kids Grow The Fuck Up So Fast These Days

Death Of Parents Boosts Area Woman's Self-Esteem

 

LANGUAGES

Grammar: Someday, I Will Copyedit The Great American Novel

I Can Write 600 Words About Anything The Onion - America's Finest News Source

 

MYSELF

Area Man Knows All The Shortcut Keys: Some of my friends complained that I use shortcut keys too often so they can't learn when I show them how to do things.

Project Manager Leave Suicide PowerPoint Presentation

Cost Of Living Now Outweighs Benefits

Vehement Anti-Cell-Phone Guy Finally Caves

 

ECONOMICS

U.S. Blowjobless Rate At All-Time High

 

RELIGION

Almighty Antitrust (1, 2, 3): Judge Orders God To Break Up Into Smaller Deities

Give voice to people who aren't happy with Christian dominance.

Abortion : I Want The Pictures Of My Partial Birth Abortion Back

I am support legal abortion for the following reason: If you consider abortion as taking away the rights of a child to live, then who gives rights to the child who DON'T WANT TO BE BORN? Shut up, you damn religious people. Don't apply your standards to people who haven't picked up your faith!

Community Voices: Teen Abstinence Rally Totally Rocked

Jesus 'Really Dreading' This Next Birthday (Here)

Cocky Pope-Hopeful Ready To Make Some Changes Around Vatican

Personal Relationship With God Also Public Relationship With God

Heaven Less Opulent Than Vatican, Reports Disappointed Pope

Christ 'Categorically Denies' Speaking To Lutheran-College Administrator

Vatican Rescinds 'Blessed' Status Of World's Meek

Are Your Cats Old Enough To Learn About Jesus

Poverty-Stricken Africans Receive Desperately Needed Bibles

 

 

SCIENCES/MATHEMATICS

NSF (1, 2): National Science Foundation, 'Science is Hard'

Yes, quantum mechanics are freaking Hard. Professor Dan Botez (UW-Madison), 'No one really know quantum mechanics, but people just use it'

(Historical ONION) Moonwalk: HOLY SHIT! MAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOON

World's Top Scientists Ponder: What If The Whole Universe Is, Like, One Huge Atom?

Stanford ... definitely a school of greed, but at least it's not a nerd school.

Nobody ever understands me, by Fermat's Last Theorem

 

ENVIRONMENT STUDIES

Vatican Tightens Nocturnal Emissions Standards

 

MISCELLANEOUS

'Tony's Law' Would Require Marijuana Users To Inform Interested Neighbors

Thank God The Year Of The Monkey Is Over

Getting A New Place Sucks!

Area Dog Will Never Live Up To Dog On Purina Bag

Suicide Bomber Killed En Route By Car Bomb

Nation's Experts Give Up

Local Teen Slated to Masturbate Furiously

Do Waiters Always Have To Swear So Much?

New Methods of Capital Punishment

Chinese Factory Worker Can't Believe The Shit He Makes For Americans

Mischievous Raccoon Wreaks Havoc On International Space Station

Ass-Kisser Promoted

Fighting Chinese Piracy

 

Links to special editions

Special Edition: Travel

 

TECHNOLOGY

What Google's going to do next